her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
i'm not too sure if he's up to my expectations looks-wise, but in the penis department he exceeds ALL regulations.
Randomize
