He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
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his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
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You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
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