Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Randomize
