went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
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