dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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