ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
I may have had several rum punches and then gone to the store and used European cucumbers to prove my baton twirling prowess.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Well, I just puked in the shower in case anyone wants an update on how my day is going
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
