we made out on top of his cat.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM
I'm scared to ask why.....
1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
