Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
If I have put a neon “vacancy” sign on my skirt for him to get the picture I will.
Randomize
