Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Randomize
