She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
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I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
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while he was teaching, every time he said "wet" he would look at me, that's what you get for sleeping with the professor's assistant
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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