I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower