Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
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I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
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Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.