sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..
I am not bailing you of of jail
Remind me to never go to the bar with your Asian friends again. I need to be able to read or pronounce what I'm drinking.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
she bonged a coffee cause she was hungover. then she bonged a beer cause she got ambitious. then she barfed. then she had to start over again.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
I find it fascinating that she'd be more comfortable with her mom finding out she submits dirty disney confessions on tumblr than about her secret email account she uses to chat with dutch and brazilian strangers.
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Randomize
