it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
So I was thinking for Halloween I'd do Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde....for my vagina.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
so apparently last weekend we taught the mascot how to shotgun beers. am i winning college yet?
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
