just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Ha, I bet. You tipped the waitress like 10 bucks for a glass of water.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
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