Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
What's the tour de bar? Is that a thing, or is it just what you call Saturdays?
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
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