Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
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