Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
There two guys dressed as FEMA workers with jump-suits that say "Post-Disaster Breast Examination Division"
He would drink pee if it was in a beer can
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Fell asleep in the library, woke up because I almost let out a sleep fart. That was close.
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
Taking body shots off hot Camren. Get here now.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
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