i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?
Every day of my life.
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I'm like, not good at living.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
