Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
