i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
