My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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