Your dad touched me again.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
