Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
now i know why i became what i already was.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize
