I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Who gives a hand job to a 19 yr old one night then the next lets a 31 year old random man fly a plane to town and pick u up and take u to dinner?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Randomize
