I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Don't call police on the strange man passed out in his car in the driveway. I'll be home around noon to collect him.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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