fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Until last night, I had never actually thrown up ON a sandwich
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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