I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Pavlovs bj experiment 2012. Welcome to the program.
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Randomize
