The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.
I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
And then we were riding the keg in the pool like an 8 second rodeo...naked.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
