Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
Dude, this place has 10% alcohol beer on tap. It's like God's semen.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
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