Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
The only thing that was weird was that it WASN'T weird when she got out of the shower and saw me blowing him.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
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