you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
