Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
