the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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