ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
