Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
But I did discover that he's totally okay with going down on me while I eat taco bell so that's a plus, right?
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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