I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Just saw ur booking photo. Love that u were already wearing orange. Its like u knew
Dude their dog does tricks for sips of beer. He keeps going up next to people and trying to shake. This is awesome.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I finally got out of bed at 8:30pm and my little brother informed me that I had cereal stuck to my back. I'm going to smoke a cigarette and go back to sleep.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
