I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Random 1st period thought: do you think she could put "had a threesome" on her resume?
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.
They want yo temporarily sterile ass.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Let's go. I'm waiting for my time to shine among the stars of never never land. Make sure you bring my Peter Pan costume this time. Shit's bout to get real glittery.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Randomize
