I wish facebook had a fuck off button.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
No one even knew you were hurt until we saw the multiple cuts to prove it, and when we asked what happened all you could say was "I fell out"
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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