If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
I asked him to get me another beer, and he started making muffins.
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
