i'm signing you up for texting rehab
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
My liver is begging me not to go, but sadly enough for him my feet and hands control me getting there.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I just singed the hair in my nose trying to re-light a joint. now all i can smell is burnt hair. day ruiner
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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