Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Your dick is going to fall off. Be careful or you'll get callouses. A workingman's dick.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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