1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Gayer than 8 guys blowing 9 guys
wow, that really makes you stop and think.
He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Thank you for stopping me from getting a butt tattoo. That was a good call.
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