Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
First time i ever had an awkward silence during sex.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
i found out she really is a mensa member
so she was the smartest passed out on the floor hair encrusted in vomit girl at the party
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
I woke up in a limo in long Island, Ny this morning. Talk about a black out
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
Randomize
