I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
Get out of your relationship and into my pants.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Just so you know in the morning, yes you did send your bartender a snap of your boobs. No I didn't try to stop you because you used sound logic for doing so.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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