i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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