My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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