My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
Randomize
