Umm I'm too high to move.
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
I mayyyyy have moaned a name that wasn't his
I didn't even respond. Just letting the crazy settle before I calmly fuck his shit up.
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Randomize
