Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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