my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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