Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Randomize
