when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
PUT YOUR FRESHLY SHAVED MEXICAN POON ON THAT BEARD. NOW.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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