Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
After it was shut down sean literally made out with four separate girls between the 100 feet to our house. It was a rampage.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
