she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
My drug dealer is making me hot tea during the snowstorm...I'm a fan.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
all I remember the next morning was crawling through the doggy door and finding my underwear in my purse
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
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